we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
