By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
