weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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