can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
