I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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