oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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