they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
