Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
