I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
