I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize