I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
