I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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