Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
