I think i peed on brittanys purse
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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