there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
