Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
