tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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