I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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