Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
