I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
