Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
