you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
