hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
