he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
