im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
