mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
