You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
