I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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