I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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