dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
