I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
