cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
