Four minutes until I can fart!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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