there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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