i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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