3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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