Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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