the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
