i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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