Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
