Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You ever have a fart follow you around?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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