so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want her autograph on my taint
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
