I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
