I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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