i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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