you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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