Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
