I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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