Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
