OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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