I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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