hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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