The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
