I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
