Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
