i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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