Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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