he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
