"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
