Barsexuality is the new black.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
