Kiss
Puke
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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