Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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